My Pressure

I always laugh when I saw this meme that our forefathers fought in the great war to save humanity and us from evil dictators, yet after their death they came to realize that the Gen Z now have depressions or pressures. It is a joke to them and to me. I thought, only those who experienced great trauma or great misfortune have the right to claim such honor. Others, are losers. A loser that is a failure in society. Nobody cares.

Unfortunately, thoughts can be a crime. And I was sentenced to death penalty by my own pressure. How can that be a thing? How can karma hit me out of the millions that deserves to get hit.

I will not and can not explain the origin of this pressure. Right now, I choose to act on animal instinct: fight or flight. And to clarify, I am not surrendering to my pressure. This post is the Declaration of Independence on the eve before my 16th rotation. And I want to confront to my internal prison directly.

But before that, I must admit my most painful spot. I receive and view myself through the eyes of the beholders. And I often took my most reliable feedback from my parents or the trusted adults. These however, can change dramatically if my day suddenly turned around. And this short by Horkheimer really encapsulate the tension between me and my life.

An Old Story:

There once was a rich young man. He was so charming and captivating that everyone liked him. And he was charming not only with his equals but especially with subordinates. When he came to his father's place of business, he chatted delightfully with the employees, and whenever he went shopping, his witty talk put the sales people in good spirits for the rest of the day. His moral sensibility was evident in everything he did. He got engaged to a poor girl, and sympathized with poor artists and intellectuals.

Then his father went bankrupt. There was no change whatever in the exquisite qualities of our prince. When he made his small purchases, he chatted as charmingly as he always had, he kept up his connections with artists, and adored his fiancée. But lo and behold, the sales people became annoyed with him because he took up their time, the artists discovered his lack of any sort of productivity, and even the poor girl found him incompetent and insipid, and finally ran off.

This is an old story and would not be worth repeating if it weren't always misunderstood. For it isn't the prince that remained the same, it isn't the others that changed—that would be the customary and superficial interpretation. It is the others that remained the same while the father's bankruptcy gave the character of our prince an entirely different meaning. A person may suddenly seem stupid, and nothing more need have changed than his bank account.

Just like in economics, when the economy is good, nobody cares about the government. Nobody cares about Mr. Chairman, social-rights, and environments. We only care about money, money talks. But when the economy is bad, the new generation became more and more replaceable, we need a way to express our anxiety.

Who would ever challenge the government if he has 1 million dollar in his bank account?

Now, when economy is bad, people get time to think. THINK! When people are jobless, they urge and glaze at the government to make some policy that would save their lives.

Then, they will discover, or tend to think that it is the inability of the government that make them bankrupt. They will realize how arbitrary and how contradicting the government is. They will ask god: “Why the rich people are getting richer. And I am getting poorer.”

Lastly, they will think about the Crucible. It is not because of Judge Danford that John Proctor died, it is because of the system itself. If there is no Danford, there will be Anford, Banford, Canford…Stanford. It is the coersive system that is producing all the judges and assuming the opposite is a witch.

However, that is the slippery slope form of reasoning that I am falling into.

And self reasoning and expectations are the Aqua Tofana that is slowly eroding my mind away. I want to learn everything, I tried to learn it all, and I hardly improved on anything.

I thought I hadn’t learned enough, I thought that watching videos can save me. But I simply fell for the delicate digital trap that all platforms make.

You Are Not Smart Enough,
So Watch more videos.

After hours and hours of watching videos, more and more rocks are thrown on top of me. I have to break it bit my bit. But eventually, I can see no light. I ran out of power. Beep, beep. 1 percent battery left, shutting down in 3, 2, 1.

Now, thinking about it, it is kind of funny. It is ridiculous. But history and life are never same compared to yesterday. That would be stagnation if it were the same. How ridiculous is that.

Finally, I during the initial depressed state. I wrote a letter to my advisor. And it foreshadows my entire depressed state that I now haven’t still realized.

Dear Mr. Inredible,
 
I have talked with my parents regarding this situation. I wish to talk with you on Monday morning during C block to discuss it further.
 
After some reflection, I realized that it is unfavorable for a student to publicly (on email) to express the negative feeling towards a recognized and respected faculty.
 
At the same time, I believe it is important to recognize when a teaching style may unintentionally cause distress for a student.
 
Also, I am afraid to talk with the teacher directly, fearing that she may understand the situation the other way around. As she holds an irreplicable position in the humanities office, I need to be careful with my actions and words. I need to think like a philosopher.

The wise Chinese philosopher, Mencius once said, “A true man won't stand beside a collapsing wall”. 

And I firmly foresee this collapsing wall. As a wiseman and an advisee of Mr. Incredible, I now quote the Art of War by Sun Tzu. 

“Of the thirty-six stratagems, retreating is the best policy”. 

I cannot be the meal of the standing wolf, nor can I be that stupid sheep who is hallucinating. To retreat is the optimum solution.
 
Therefore, I need your help.
 
Best,
Mr. Pigtt